Monday, March 5, 2012

Today is sucking the LIFE out of me

So I haven't been here in awhile because I am SUPER busy with LIFE! However that LIFE is being sucked out of me today.
As many of you know, I'm back in school. I just got into my major courses and this one is a toughie! Business Ethics and Principles and let me tell you, this is no easy A. In fact, I will be lucky to get an A at all in this class. I misread the instructions to my paper due today and so I am starting from scratch, rather than having 2 days work done on it. I forgot to take my quiz by yesterday, so that was turned in late today. I am just overwhelmed and it is completely my fault! UGH! I just needed to take a break from thinking about it and come write a little to help get my frustrations out.
On the plus side, the boys are playing so well together today, it's almost as if they know I'm losing my mind! We went to the library after school and picked out some videos. After we looked at every book about trucks and super heroes the boys wanted to play on the computers for a bit. They both chose the Tonka Truck game (go figure!). Neither one of these fabulous 4 year olds is a very skilled driver. You have to "drive" with the mouse, but I secretly think they just like to crash with the mouse. They both run into everything! And they giggle when their trucks make tracks in the grass and dirt pit. It was highly enjoyable to watch them play today. They are currently playing with an airplane and cars and deciding which super hero they are for the moment.
I'm also overwhelmed with the decision to move out of my mom's house. I dog/house sat for friends while they were in Florida this past week and it made me realize two things: 1) Nate and I need our own place so that I can finally be the kind of mom I want to be and 2) my mother is a hoarder and it is driving me crazy. Not only that but she is crazy. For those of you that know her, depending on how you know her, you may be thinking, YEAH she is or what are you talking about. Take it from me, there is definitely some mental something going on and she needs help. She yells at me for not picking the bath mat up as I'm walking out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, yet she has left it on the floor for the entire day today. She took over my 3 foot area in the basement that was supposed to be for my stuff, but she has slowly invaded. We have a FULL basement that you can't walk around in without tripping on her crap. I have had enough. She thinks all of her problems are my fault and I'm tired of it. I just want out. But that's the tricky part, isn't it. I can't afford rent because it's ridiculous. I don't have enough verifiable income to get a mortgage, so what's a mom supposed to do? Well a lot of prayer for sure. It's all I have prayed about lately because I want out yesterday! The day we can move out will not come soon enough. I thought that God was keeping me in my mom's house because he wanted me to figure out how to fix our relationship, but I've realized that the longer I'm there, the worse it is going to get. I can honestly say I really don't like my mom. I think she is spiteful, vengeful, angry, depressed, hateful...and I don't want to be around that anymore. Case in point: Many of you may remember our "mean" neighbors. Well a lot of progress has been made and they aren't so mean after all. But my mom, being the immature person she is can't see past the past. The little girl next door had gotten a new toy right before our first snowfall. She was playing with it and it landed on our roof. I told her when the snow melted we would try to get it down. I was telling my mom about it and her response, "Well it's mine now." Really? What are you going to do with it??? Seriously I need you to grow up. She is just ugly inside. I don't know when or how she got this way, but I wish she would change. I've talked to her about it before because it isn't just our neighbors that she is that way with, it's everything. I once tried telling her a story about how our pastor was showing God's love to his neighbors (long story short, they got flooded, my pastor sandbagged and the neighbor's garden flooded as a result of the sandbagging) when he offered to pay for the damage caused by their sandbags. Her response, "They should move their garden if they know that's going to happen, your pastor shouldn't be incovenienced." Seriously????
Ok so I guess today isn't sucking the life out of me, my mom is. I think once we get out of her house things might get better between us, but never like we were before I moved in with her. Sad how relationships get destroyed. I know that God can turn things around but right now I really just need him to provide a place for Nate and I to live, in our home where we can be who we were created to be. So if you are the praying kind, please be praying for us. Thanks!

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