Wednesday, July 27, 2011

What me worry?

As you all know, I quit my job 2 months ago. My life changed dramatically and in the beginning I was a little freaked. I mean, who quits their job without another one when they are a single mom? And when I say single mom, I mean single mom with no child support coming in, single as single gets.
Apparently "I do" is the answer to that question. You know, at the time I really thought the lesson was about God wanting me to trust him 100% with everything, including finances. I know now that it is much bigger than that.
I recently made the decision, with MUCH prompting from God, to go back to school. This was not something I ever desired to do again. Who wants to fail at something for a 4th time? Not this girl! And I definitely did not want to add yet another school to my college transcripts, isn't 5 enough?
Well, I am adding another school to the list, but its the last one. How do I know this for sure? Because this time I'm not trying to do it all on my own. The control freak in me, the worry wart in me, the I can do this by myself in me have all been put to rest. I'm letting Jesus take the wheel, so to speak.
I had actually given up on going to school this fall. Nothing was falling into place, in fact it was becoming more than I cared to deal with. So I told Jesus, hey if this is what you really want me to do, can you help me out already? He probably laughed at me that day because I think he was just waiting for me to ask for help.
Ya know, once I found the right school and program, everything started to fall into place, without me having to put forth much effort. I know, this makes me sound like enjoy being lazy, but that's not what I mean. I had put so much time and energy into pursuing the wrong schools and the wrong program, that I was just over it. So, when I finally wised up and asked Jesus for help, he pretty much did everything. I sent one email and filled out an application. That's it. Of course I've had to fax documents and supply info for financial aid, but I'm not even worried about it like I normally would be.
It's like the worry gene was removed from my body. Remember when I posted about Phillipians 4:6 "Worry about nothing instead pray about everything..."? Well that's exactly waht I do now. If and when worry starts to creep in, I take a few moments and pray. I give it to God and tell him that if this is what he wants, he will make it happen, no matter what it is.
I registered Nate for pre-K recently and started to wonder how I was going to pay for his school too. But just as immediately as that worry started to sink it, I reminded myself to ask God for help. And ya know, I haven't worried about it since.
Now some of you are probably thinking, well doesn't Iowa pay for preschool? Probably if you send your child to an Iowa school, but I'm not, which is something that has been very important to me since before Nate was born.
I really want him to attend Christian school. At least for the first couple of years, we can reassess and see if we want to stick with it in a year or two, but for now, this is where my heart is for his education. It's not just because the school I'm sending him to has the same core values and beliefs, but they also provide a better education. Their test scores are 3-4% higher overall compared to other QC schools.
And yes, I know we are going to have the same challenges and struggles in a Christian school as we would in a public school as far as friends and influences go. But it's not about that for me, he will be in smaller class sizes so if he is struggling in something his teacher will have more time to spend with him on it. I attended the same school in elementary and I turned out ok! LOL
I can honestly tell you that everything that has happened this summer is because of Jesus and his amazing grace for me. I know I have said this before, but this truly has been the summer of all summers! I have spent every M-F with the best boys anyone could ask for. We go out and do fun things in our hometown that I would never have done without them, or if I had been working full time.
So to sum it all up, I don't have to worry about anything anymore because I know God's got it! His grace is more than enough for me when I make mistakes and ignore what he wants and his love pours out on me every day. I'm so happy I no longer have the same stresses and worries that I once used to have on a daily basis. Thank you PaPa!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Words can never hurt me...

Except they do, and badly. This morning words cut me to my soul, and left a wound that will take a while to heal. They were words I've always expected, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't prepare for.
This morning in the car Nate says matter of factly, "I don't have a dad." My response was "How do you feel about that?" He replied by saying, "Well it used to make me sad but then I got over it." My first thought was you got over it? That's interesting, but then I started to cry because who gets over not having a dad? Especially a 4 year old. So I said to him, "Buddy I would change it for you if I could." Nate then tells me he doesn't want a dad but won't tell me why, just keeps saying I just don't.
That conversation cut me to my core, leaving a gaping wound that will take eons to heal because I knew this day was coming, but I expected it to sound something like this:
Nate: How come I don't have a dad
Me: Because God wanted to be your only dad
Nate: Why
Me: Because you are that special
Nate: But my friends have dads, doesn't God want to be their dad?
Me: Yes, but they needed someone extra to help raise them and God wanted me to raise you without a dad
Nate: Why
Me: I don't know, God does funny things sometimes
And then Nate would get that look on his face like he does when he is pondering what I've just said and then says Mom can we get a toy today?
Except it didn't go that way at all. Rather than asking me about a dad, he just states he doesn't have one. It was such a weird thing to hear him say.
Two years ago he posted the dad question to me when we were leaving my dad's house. I said "Bye, Dad, thanks!" and got in the car. Nate asked me "Is grandpa my dad too?" I laughed and said, "No he's your grandpa." Nate of course asks, "Well who's my dad?" My reply, "God is your dad," thinking for a 2 year old this is probably enough information. I was so wrong. Nate's comeback to me, "Yeah but who's my other dad?" I seriously could not believe a 2 year old just asked me that and before I could think of a decent reply, he answered for me. "PoPo?" he asked. I just laughed and said YEAH! It worked for the moment, though I suppose I could have said no PoPo is your great-grandpa but I didn't think he was really asking for the truth in that moment.
And here's the other thing...he asked about his DAD. Just because you donated some DNA and a beautiful child was born on May 31, 2007, doesn't make you a dad. It makes you a sperm donor, or for a less disgusting term, a life donor. Nate was right this morning when he said he doesn't have a dad, at least not a physical human dad, not yet anyway.
There will come a day when he is going to want more info and the truth is I don't have any info to give him. There is a life donor out there who's name I know but I honestly don't know anymore about him. If he wants to, someday, we will probably have to look him on Facebook because I'm sure by now he has moved and I no longer have his number. As for why he is not in Nate's life, well that was a decision God and I made together, sort of. After the life donor told me that he was involved with a woman with a child I decided this man was not father material. He couldn't be bothered to stick around for his child, but yet he got involved with another man's child. It made me so angry! After that phone conversation I got in the shower and got angrier and angrier. I remember thinking that people get so freaked out by gay marriage and how that somehow is ruining family values in America, but yet we condone this person's behavior because "That's just how it is these days". Its men like this that are ruining families, not two people of the same gender who love each other, regardless of whether or not the government will allow them to get married. And I don't condone his or any other deadbeat's behavior! I don't like it, in fact I despise the fact that he bailed on my son to play daddy to someone else. And at this point, the day we had this conversation, he hadn't even met Nate yet and Nate was almost 3 months old. He showed up about a week later for his one and only visit. It was after that visit that I begged God, if he and I were not going to be together and we weren't going to be able to make this work for Nate then I wanted him to be out of the picture all together. This is where some would say "Be careful what you pray for" but not me. Even though there are tougher questions that someday are going to have to be answered, I much prefer raising my son with God than having someone show up occasionally or not at all when the "newness" wears off. I did what I believe to be "right" for Nate. And I do believe there is a dad out there for him, God just hasn't brought him to us yet. And while we are still waiting for Nate's dad to show up, he has a lot of Godly men in his life to help fill that role. I thank God everyday for giving me the strength to endure life as a single mom, but that I don't have to do it alone. And when Nate's dad finally shows up, we'll be ready!