No, instead I'm listening to a song that reminds me that God makes beautiful thins out of dust. In moments like this, its really hard to believe for myself. I feel like yet again I'm going to fail at school and I wonder why it has to be so damn hard! I have tears welling up in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall, mainly because I'm in a public library and that would just be weird.
Somewhere at my core there must be something pretty amazing about me, otherwise I don't think God would have saved my life 3 different times that I can remember.
The biggest thing he saved me from was being killed at my Lane Bryant store in Tinley Park, IL. If I had never gotten pregnant and had Nate, I would have still been working there and I would have been there that morning. Instead he took home a very dear friend of mine, but what I learned from that is that she had done her role in bringing God's kingdom to earth. It was her time, although that doesn't make what happened any easier or any less scary. Especially since her killer has never been found.
The next time would be at the NIU shooting just 5 days after the Lane Bryant shooting. If I had decided to pursue my masters at that time in textiles, I could have been on campus that day. What was even creepier to me was that my math class was in the room the shooting happened in. In fact my aunt called me after this shooting and wanted to know where I had been in the last 3 years, she was going to avoid those places!
The final time was an avoided car accident. My friend and I were in the car going through a green light and the car to my left, running a red light, slammed on his brakes but couldn't stop. Somehow he ended up on the other side of my car, neither of the cars being touched.
So I have to believe that I am here for a reason and I'm not just hanging out, but today it doesn't feel that way. Today it feels like I'm a joke.
I haven't had a day like this in so long it makes me think this is an attack from the enemy, playing on my weakness which at the moment is school.
I look at the boys and wish I had that carefree life again. No worries, no responsibilities....but then I guess I wouldn't be me. Someone once cruelly said to me, Life isn't always rainbows and ponies. At the time she was striking out against me because of my beliefs and I think a little jealousy as well. But in a sense she was wrong.
Lately you've read about my worry free life and for a split second, I forgot about that. Thanks for reminding me....God I give this all to you. You brought me to this school and you will get me through this road block as well. I'm giving this battle to you rather than waging the war myself. You are bigger than the battle! I'm overwhelmed by your love for me and all the blessings you have poured out on me in the past few months by allowing me to stay at home with Nate for the summer, by providing financially for me even when the numbers didn't make sense. Beautiful things indeed!
Life isn't always rainbows & ponies, it's true. But our Father ALWAYS has our back! : )
ReplyDeleteHope your week was blessed, Becks!