Words can never hurt me...

Except they do, and badly. This morning words cut me to my soul, and left a wound that will take a while to heal. They were words I've always expected, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't prepare for.

This morning in the car Nate says matter of factly, "I don't have a dad." My response was "How do you feel about that?" He replied by saying, "Well it used to make me sad but then I got over it." My first thought was you got over it? That's interesting, but then I started to cry because who gets over not having a dad? Especially a 4 year old. So I said to him, "Buddy I would change it for you if I could." Nate then tells me he doesn't want a dad but won't tell me why, just keeps saying I just don't.

That conversation cut me to my core, leaving a gaping wound that will take eons to heal because I knew this day was coming, but I expected it to sound something like this:

Nate: How come I don't have a dad

Me: Because God wanted to be your only dad

Nate: Why

Me: Because you are that special

Nate: But my friends have dads, doesn't God want to be their dad?

Me: Yes, but they needed someone extra to help raise them and God wanted me to raise you without a dad

Nate: Why

Me: I don't know, God does funny things sometimes

And then Nate would get that look on his face like he does when he is pondering what I've just said and then says Mom can we get a toy today?

Except it didn't go that way at all. Rather than asking me about a dad, he just states he doesn't have one. It was such a weird thing to hear him say.

Two years ago he posted the dad question to me when we were leaving my dad's house. I said "Bye, Dad, thanks!" and got in the car. Nate asked me "Is grandpa my dad too?" I laughed and said, "No he's your grandpa." Nate of course asks, "Well who's my dad?" My reply, "God is your dad," thinking for a 2 year old this is probably enough information. I was so wrong. Nate's comeback to me, "Yeah but who's my other dad?" I seriously could not believe a 2 year old just asked me that and before I could think of a decent reply, he answered for me. "PoPo?" he asked. I just laughed and said YEAH! It worked for the moment, though I suppose I could have said no PoPo is your great-grandpa but I didn't think he was really asking for the truth in that moment.

And here's the other thing...he asked about his DAD. Just because you donated some DNA and a beautiful child was born on May 31, 2007, doesn't make you a dad. It makes you a sperm donor, or for a less disgusting term, a life donor. Nate was right this morning when he said he doesn't have a dad, at least not a physical human dad, not yet anyway.

There will come a day when he is going to want more info and the truth is I don't have any info to give him. There is a life donor out there who's name I know but I honestly don't know anymore about him. If he wants to, someday, we will probably have to look him on Facebook because I'm sure by now he has moved and I no longer have his number. As for why he is not in Nate's life, well that was a decision God and I made together, sort of. After the life donor told me that he was involved with a woman with a child I decided this man was not father material. He couldn't be bothered to stick around for his child, but yet he got involved with another man's child. It made me so angry! After that phone conversation I got in the shower and got angrier and angrier. I remember thinking that people get so freaked out by gay marriage and how that somehow is ruining family values in America, but yet we condone this person's behavior because "That's just how it is these days". Its men like this that are ruining families, not two people of the same gender who love each other, regardless of whether or not the government will allow them to get married. And I don't condone his or any other deadbeat's behavior! I don't like it, in fact I despise the fact that he bailed on my son to play daddy to someone else. And at this point, the day we had this conversation, he hadn't even met Nate yet and Nate was almost 3 months old. He showed up about a week later for his one and only visit. It was after that visit that I begged God, if he and I were not going to be together and we weren't going to be able to make this work for Nate then I wanted him to be out of the picture all together. This is where some would say "Be careful what you pray for" but not me. Even though there are tougher questions that someday are going to have to be answered, I much prefer raising my son with God than having someone show up occasionally or not at all when the "newness" wears off. I did what I believe to be "right" for Nate. And I do believe there is a dad out there for him, God just hasn't brought him to us yet. And while we are still waiting for Nate's dad to show up, he has a lot of Godly men in his life to help fill that role. I thank God everyday for giving me the strength to endure life as a single mom, but that I don't have to do it alone. And when Nate's dad finally shows up, we'll be ready!